Hypochondria and breastfeeding; baby milestone; other life things.

It is not fun to be a hypochondriac.  At all.

The night before last, I woke up in the middle of the night because I was suddenly terribly itchy.  Specifically, I was itchy all over my boobs.  I eventually got back to sleep, but woke up at my normal time, still itchy and also kind of stuffed up and run down, like I am coming down with a head cold of some sort.

I did everything I could to not itch, but I felt pretty miserable by the end of yesterday.  I took some children’s benadryl (all we had) when I got home and lathered myself up with lanolin.  That seemed to help relieve me of the itchiness for a while.  I talked to Steve about it and told him I was afraid I had cholestastis of the liver and that I needed to get that treated.  That was maybe a dumb thought, but hypochondriacs are not always rational.

Last night, I fell asleep fine, but woke up at 4:15 with a headache, itchiness, and stuffiness.  FUN!  I could not get back to sleep.  I have been running on caffeine and fumes since then.  I am still terribly itchy, despite more benadryl and lanolin.  I made the mistake of googling “itchy breasts” and one of the first results was about a terrible form of breast cancer!  That had me worried!  Though, I am also kind of hive-y elsewhere, so I don’t think that that is probably the case.  But, YOU NEVER KNOW.

Then, when I was pumping, I noticed that there was a little stringy bit of milk on my nipple.  (Wow, the things that I write – so TMI!)  I thought that maybe I had a clogged duct, because of the fact that Katja’s latch on that side kind of bothered me last night (due to the itchiness), and maybe I didn’t feed her as much from that side as I normally would….then, this afternoon, it happened again!  I am not in pain, but I am itchy and uncomfortable.  I felt woozy for a while and was afraid that I was coming down with mastitis.  Then, I started worrying about getting thrush and even went so far as to order some Grape Seed Extract JUST IN CASE.  THEN, I started worrying again about breast cancer, since I had itchy boobs and stringy milk (two little strings, mind you, not like my entire pumping output was full of strings).

UGH.

I am itchy on my eye, my nose, my neck, my right arm, my breastbone, and my boobs.  This is probably not “breast cancer”, but probably either an allergy thing or related to the head cold that I am definitely coming down with.  But, still, what of the possible clogged duct?  Or, is there something else that is causing the stringiness?

Hypochondria.  So fun.

Oh, and I forgot to mention that in there, I was also worried about developing some weird acute infection and just toppling over here at work.  That was a thought that ran through my head when I was feeling kind of weird earlier today.

In other news, Katja had her one year check-up on Tuesday and is doing so well.  She started taking tentative steps on the day before her birthday (Saturday night) and has been doing it sporadically since then.  She is almost 21 pounds (50th percentile) and 29.5 inches (65th percentile).  Her head remains very large.  Must be because of all those brains in there.  We don’t need to go in again until 15 months.  Her doctor did talk about night weaning (not going to do that yet) and other things, but I just did the “smile and nod” that I always do.  We ARE trying to get her in her crib for at least the first part of the night.  We have yet to succeed with that.  Did we create a monster?  Maybe!

Life things:  I am taking a day off tomorrow, which is definitely needed.  I am getting my hair done and am so excited about that.  I also need to renew my driver’s license and possibly work in the house….though, I may just end up sleeping.  WHO KNOWS?

Katja’s Birth

So, I am going to try to write this all out, finally, as little K is down for a nap and I have two free hands for once (this may take more than one sitting, but I’ll do what I can).

It should be no surprise that the end of my pregnancy, from December 2nd (my first bad blood pressure reading) onward, was pretty stressful and emotional.  Being on bed rest from December 8th until the end of the pregnancy (I think it was seven weeks in all), worrying about my health and the baby’s health (with her irregular heartbeat), having to go in constantly for ultrasounds and lab work and appointments – it was taxing and hard.  I did my best to grin and bear it and get through it, but I had many cryfests along the way.

Once we hit 37 weeks, I felt better about the fact that I was on bed rest, as I knew the end was in sight, and at that point, Katja (who we still called “the baby” at this point in time, as we had no idea what we were having) would have been okay if I were to have given birth.  I had hope that I would be able to go into labor naturally.  It was still difficult, but since I was going to Target when I shouldn’t have been on my feet, and went out to eat, and so on, I felt like I could handle it.  We had twice weekly ultrasound appointments to monitor the baby and make sure everything is okay.

On January 28th, my official due date, we had our last ultrasound appointment and midwife appointment.  We had the appointment with the midwife first, and it was fine.  She stripped my membranes, in order to try to have labor happen on its own (okay, I realize that “stripping the membranes” and “on its own” are kind of contradicting, but bear with me, here ), and I was already dilated to a 3, which was pretty awesome.  I felt okay about things and hoped that I would go into labor over the weekend.  Well, we then had our ultrasound appointment, and little baby was not cooperating.  She got a 4 out of 8, as she was not having diaphragm movements or doing any big movements the way she was supposed to – most likely because she was sleeping, but there was no way to tell that for sure.  We went back to talk to the midwife again and had the option of either going to Labor and Delivery for fetal monitoring or to go in and be induced.  As we were going to be induced anyhow on the 31st, had things not progressed on their own, we opted for induction that day.  We had put everything into the car that morning just in case, so we had what we needed and figured that that would be best.

Since you don’t get to eat when you’re on pitocin, we went to eat at my favorite Thai place that is coincidentally near the hospital, and called our parents to let them know what was going on.  I had to also call my sister to see if she’d pick Ro up from school, as I would not be able to do so.

We got back to the hospital around 1:30 and headed up to Labor and Delivery.  They admitted me into a room, hooked me up on a fetal monitor, and said the midwife would be in soon and we’d be able to start the pitocin.  We waited, and waited, but no one came in for a while.  Finally, a new nurse came in (there had been a shift change, or something, that caused some confusion), and at around 4:00, they started the pitocin.  My sister came with Rowan and a cupcake (that I could not eat, but could save for later) and visited us for a while, which was nice.  The contractions started shortly after the pitocin started, and they were mild and tolerable.  After Bird and Ro left, we popped in season one of Buffy the Vampire Slayer (as I had grand plans of re-watching the series during my maternity leave)(grand plans that I am working on – currently on season 4!) to pass the time.  My midwife came in sporadically to make sure I was doing okay and they kept bumping up the pitocin every hour or so to make the contractions stronger.  At 10:00, the midwife and nurse came in to evaluate me – I had been contracting in a steady pattern, every five minutes or so, and there was hope that we could push through and have the baby in the middle of the night.  At that point, I really wanted to stop and eat something and just go again in the morning.  However, everyone convinced me that I was going in a good pattern and we could make this work.  I should have listened to my gut, because at 2:00AM, when they came in to evaluate me again, I had not dilated at all, and clearly just needed to sleep.  So, they stopped things for the night and we’d resume in the morning.

I was given some kind of muscle relaxer to sleep and managed to kind of sleep fitfully for a few hours.  At 6:00AM, the nurse started me up on pitocin again at the lowest level, and I started to have mild contractions again.  I managed to sleep some more until about 7:30, when I woke up tired and cranky as hell and I wanted nothing more than to just be out of the hospital.  I told Steve that I wanted to leave and go home to rest for the weekend and to come back on Monday morning and do it then.  We talked to the new midwife on call about this and she consulted with the head OB and they agreed that if I had another ultrasound and the baby was fine, then I could leave.  Well, we decided to “give it the ol’ college try” and do pitocin for a while and evaluate in the afternoon.  However, I let them know that I needed to eat something because there was no way that I could labor without anything in me.  I had not eaten since lunch the day before.   They let me eat breakfast.  They let me get off pitocin at about 11:00 to take a shower.  They let me eat lunch.  I decided, on my own, to stop eating after lunch just in case things went haywire and I needed either pain medication or a c-section or something (while I am getting ahead of myself, thankfully, neither was necessary).

The day was rather uneventful.  More Buffy.  More contractions.  Rowan and Bird came to visit.  At 4:00, the midwife came in and said I could still leave if  I wanted to, but would have to have an ultrasound before doing so, OR they could break my water and we could have this baby.  I debated with Steve for 30 minutes, about it, and we ultimately decided to break the water and move ahead.  Mostly because I knew that I’d be annoyed with having to go through everything all over again (if nothing natural ended up happening on its own) and also because I would also have been annoyed had my water broken on its own and then I had to turn around and come back to the hospital.  Also, I would have worried over the weekend, had nothing happened.  So, we proceeded.

After that, things moved pretty fast.  I immediately went from a 3-4 to a 4-5 (or maybe it was a 4-5 to a 5-6?  I can’t recall exactly) The contractions started getting more intense and closer together.   My sister Brooke and my mom came to visit us after they dropped Rowan off at her dad’s, and they kept us company in the room from about 6:30 until I kicked them out at 8:15ish, as the contractions were getting more intense at that point and I wanted quiet.  I love my mom and sister, but they are both kind of loud (as are most people in my family).  There were some funny moments while they were there, though.  At one point, I had a contraction and my mom pulled out some prayer beads of some kind and held my hand with the beads in them – my sister and I just looked at each other and burst out laughing, because that was so not something I really wanted, but was just really hilarious at the moment.  The laughing hurt, of course, because I was also contracting at that moment.  Another time, I told my mom to “Please don’t touch me”, because being touched is about the last thing that I want while I’m in labor (I remembered that with Rowan, too – I just needed to be within myself).  I felt bad about that, but it was funny after the fact.

So, I kicked them out at 8:15 and called the nurse in to tell her that I was feeling really intense contractions and that I felt like I was near the end.  I called her in about 10 minutes later to let her know that I was feeling the urge to push and that I couldn’t not do it.  She said that they would check me and if I was not fully dilated, then they could give me medicine to help me resist that urge.  I was for that, which would have been the only medicine (aside from pitocin) that I would have had during the labor.  That said, they came in and checked and I was ready to go.  I knew that I was.  That was one thing that I did recall with Rowan, as well – that once she was ready to come, it was fast; the same went for Katja.  They got everything set up and said I could start pushing at about 8:35ish and said that I would probably have the baby in a half hour.  I had her in 9 minutes, as she was born at 8:44.  Three pushes and she was out.

We didn’t know that we were having a girl, so when I asked Steve what the baby was and he said “She’s a……girl!”, you could’ve knocked me over (though you could have anyhow, since having a baby is quite taxing on  the body).  I was so happy that she was here and healthy and that we both made it through.

In all, in terms of an induced birth, it probably went about as well as one could have expected.  I did not have to have any pain medication.  I did not even have to have that many fluids in my IV, as I drank tons of water during the whole labor (a carryover from me drinking gallons of water a day during my bed rest days, in order to help keep my blood pressure down).  Katja had an 8 and then a 9 on her APGAR.  She had a regular heartbeat.  She started nursing right away.  In all, she was perfect.  I felt good and was able to walk around not too long after the birth.  I got through it without pain medication, though I did take some arnica from my homeopath during the labor to help give me energy.

I wish that we could have had a spontaneous labor.  I regret that we did not get that.  Though, we did not have to have a c-section and while I was on pitocin for something like 24 hours (minus the 4 hour “sleep” that I got in the middle of the night), it could have been worse.  I think that I’ve been carrying some of this weight with me for the past six weeks (she’s SIX WEEKS TODAY!), that my body did not do what it was supposed to on its own.  It did what it was supposed to with drugs, but not on its own.  That bothers me.  I lost some trust in my body while I was on bed rest and felt perfectly fine, but was told that I was not, and then I lost a little more trust in my body when I did not spontaneously go into labor.  I think that I am getting that back, though, which is a good thing.

There is no real good way to end this post.  She was born and we are so so happy that she is here (obviously!).  I was happy that my mom got to be a part of things, and that my mom, dad, brothers and one of my sisters were there to meet Katja right after she was born.  Steve was a great partner, and I was happy that he helped me get through an emotional pregnancy and emotional labor.  And now, we’re all just happy to adjust to life with little Katja.

Status Quo

We’re back to the status quo, and I like that.   I appreciate it.  The baby’s little irregularity from a week and a half (just about) ago is back to normal and I am stable and healthy.  Now, we just wait.  Wait, wait, wait, for this little one to arrive.

There is a deadline, though, to my waiting.  I don’t think that my midwives will allow me to go too much past the due date.  This is actually more than they give most people who have been monitored as closely as I have been.  At my last appointment with a midwife, on Tuesday, Ann (the alarmist!  Who started this whole mess!) told me that typically speaking, they just induce someone like me at 39 weeks (which would mean that I would be induced tomorrow, as they would do it the weekend after I turn 39 weeks).  I again voiced that that is not my preference if there is no medical reason to do so.  She conferred with three MDs on staff and they all agreed that that would be fine, as long as I remain in good health and the baby continues to look good on its BPPs.  So, I bought myself a week, at least.  I go in again on Tuesday for an ultrasound and a midwife appointment and I will try to extend it for another week and see if they’ll wait until 41 weeks to induce (if it comes to that).  At that point, I would be okay with induction, I think.  Well…..at the very least, I have come to terms with it.  If they don’t let me go to 41 weeks, then most likely, they will schedule an induction to begin on 1/31 with hopes of delivering on the 1st.  I will find all this out, though, on Tuesday.

But, for now, we continue to wait.

It is beginning to be a little bit stressful, in that everything we do is contingent upon “if I am having a baby that day!”  Rowan was invited to a birthday party a few weeks ago that took place yesterday, and I had to wait until Friday to officially RSVP, as I wasn’t sure about the baby thing.   I am not really making any plans because everything just depends.  It could, potentially, be any day.  I don’t think it will be for a few more days, at the very least.

My friend Dan keeps teasing me because I want the baby to be born on a prime number.  I realize this is really odd, but I never said that I wasn’t odd.  So, if the baby does not come today, then I do not want it to arrive until either Saturday the 29th or Monday the 31st.  Luckily, we get a lot of chances at the beginning of February for a prime baby, but it will just depend on my midwives.

I am beginning to not be so diligent in my bed rest.  Yes, I rest most of the time, but I have been running far more errands than I used to and actually going out in public.  IT IS SO NICE.  On Friday, my frenemy Jamie came over and we went to Target and walked a few laps while talking.  Then, after she left, Steve and I picked Rowan up and went to a different Target to pick up a birthday present for the aforementioned birthday party, and we walked around that one for a little bit, too.  Yesterday, we went to Rowan’s basketball game, then dropped her off at the party and went out for lunch.  This was the first time I had been in a restaurant since the day of the fetal echocardiogram, which was also the day when I was put on official bed rest for the rest of this pregnancy.  (December 10th!)  It was so great to be able to sit down in a restaurant and eat a burger and feel like a normal person again.  Then, we went to Target (do you sense a pattern?  Have I mentioned before that Target is my “happy place”?  Because it totally is.) for our weekly grocery run.  Today, we will be going to my brother’s house to watch some football.  So, bed rest…….?  A little out the window.  Since my blood pressure continues to be awesome (118/71 at my last appointment), I figure that it is probably okay for me to do this.

I feel like we’re finally almost ready for this baby to get here.  I got my breast pump yesterday, with gift cards that lovely and wonderful people had given me.  We have the car seat figured out, I think (it has been so long since I had a real car seat in my car that I had forgotten how fiddly they can be!), but are waiting for a lock clip for the seatbelts.  Either our seat did not come with one, or we threw it away in error.  Anyhow, I ordered one and it should be here tomorrow.  Once we have that, then I think we’re set and this baby can come whenever he/she feels like it.

I also feel like we’re more set with money/time off/etc. than I thought we would be.  I filed my federal taxes yesterday and did Steve’s late last week, so we both have some money coming our way in the next few weeks (he more than I, since I claim more exemptions on my taxes than he does, because I would rather have my money throughout the year).  I am still not sure who will end up claiming this baby for next year’s taxes, but we’re not going to worry about that right now.  I checked my sick and vacation balance today, and because I’ve been working about 50% of the time that I am home, I am not eating up my time as fast as I could have been.  I have been off work since December 8th, but have only used about 2.5 weeks of sick time up, which is pretty good.  I also continue to accrue almost a day of vacation time and a half day of sick time each two week pay period that I work.  So, this is good.  It means that I will still get to stay home for a decent amount of time after the baby is born, and I think that I will try to work part-time from home once the baby hits about 6 weeks so that I can extend it a little longer, even.

SO, after all that rambling, in all, things are good.  We’re maintaining.

And waiting.

38 weeks, 2 days

If there is one thing that I have learned during this pregnancy, it is to appreciate the status quo.  I may have my emotional days on bedrest, but when everything is stable, that is a good thing.

I assumed that everything would be much the same as always when I went in for my (now) routine BPP ultrasound on Friday morning.  Sure enough, the baby scored an 8/8, but, there was one thing.  The irregular heart beat that we thought had resolved itself?  It was back.  Awesome.  I got quite teary, because I just didn’t think I would have to worry about this anymore.  Also, the technician left me to go consult with my midwife and all I could think was, “Oh, crap, do they want me to have the baby today?  Does this mean that I won’t be able to just have a baby naturally and will have to either induce or have a c-section (or, in what seems to be the case in so many situations, an induction followed by a c-section?)?”

I was able to get in to talk to a midwife (another one of the ones that I actually like; there are only about two that I don’t like, though, so I guess the chances of seeing a good one are pretty high), and she had consulted with the head doctor in the office and he was unconcerned about this.  Apparently, this happens from time to time as the electrical system continues to mature.  There was actually another woman in the office that same day who had the exact same thing  happen to her baby.  Resolved, and then, unresolved.  The doctor told Carrie (this midwife, who, by the way, also has a daughter named Rowan, except spelled with a y instead of an a) that most of the time, these things are no big deal, and the baby still should be able to withstand labor, though I will have to be monitored pretty closely during my labor.  As the hour or so that I was on a fetal monitor with Rowan was just about the worst part of my labor, I am not excited about that.  But, if there is a valid reason (such as a heart that sometimes has to kick itself into starting again) to do so, then I will do it.  I suppose.

Carrie also talked to me about induction.  I wonder now if I will have to be induced so that they can monitor me the whole time?  I told her, as I have told others, that I would prefer not to be induced, but would do what was necessary if it was healthy for the baby.  She did let me know that they will not make me do anything I don’t want to do and that if the head doctor thought there really was a problem, I would have been transferred out of midwife care and probably would have had the baby that day.  So, that was somewhat reassuring, but I still wonder a little bit about the monitoring and whatnot.  Maybe on Tuesday, when I go in next, the baby’s heart will be all normal again.  WHO KNOWS?  Silly little baby, already causing so much drama.

Luckily, I am still doing just fine.  I would not induce for my “health” reasons, because I DON’T THINK THAT I HAVE ANY (and I actually think that they agree with me at this point, but I have to keep being monitored just in case), but I would induce for the baby’s.  We’ll see how this ends up shaking out.  I have appointments scheduled through my due date (just 12 days away), and I think that I’ll be lucky if they let me stay pregnant without some sort of intervention (be it natural ways of trying to induce or medicine) much beyond that.  Chances are that I will have this baby within two weeks, one way or another.  Yikes!

(And, yes, I know that you spend nine-ish months preparing for that moment, but as I recall with Rowan, it’s still effing scary when you realize that HOLY SHIT, you are now responsible for a little life!  Hence the YIKES!)

I’m trying to focus not on the fact that there are still so many unknowns, but on a few positive things.  My health is good.  The baby is doing fine, aside from its little irregularities.  Rowan is doing well.  Steve is still nesting a bit, but is also doing well.  I am trying to enjoy these last days/weeks with this family unit as much as I can before we meet our newest little member.

36 weeks

On Friday, we hit 36 weeks with this pregnancy, so I am a lot less worried about pre-term birth, since I just have a few days to go to make it to the official ‘full-term’ of 37 weeks.  That said, I still don’t want to have this baby any time soon, especially since we are supposed to have a baby shower for the baby on Saturday (I wasn’t sure about wanting to do one, hence procrastination and waiting until we may be cutting it really close…).

As of two weeks ago, I am supposed to go in TWICE a week for the biophysical profile ultrasounds and once a week for an appointment.  I still have to do weekly labs to make sure I’m okay.  I maintain that I am okay, but what can I do but go along with this?  My blood pressure has been really good, so it is always a little weird when the ultrasound technician asks if I am in there for high blood pressure and I have to explain that I have had ONE elevated reading.  Granted, I am still spilling protein, but otherwise, all my labs are really great.

I did come to the realization that when there was nothing wrong with me, earlier in the pregnancy, I was just convinced that something would go wrong and I worried so effing much.  Now that there is possibly something  wrong with me, I am convinced that there is nothing wrong, because I feel just fine.  So, I guess maybe I have learned that I just do not trust the medical field no matter what they tell me.  That is probably a little cuckoo.

At my last appointment, on Thursday, the midwife seemed to think that as long as everything remains stable and my blood pressure remains what it is, then I should be able to continue this pregnancy and not worry about an induction or anything.  I would really rather not be induced and would prefer to have a natural experience (like I did with Rowan).  Obviously, if something changes either with me or the baby, then I would be okay with medical interventions, but assuming that everything continues on as it has been, I can hopefully also continue on.  That is my hope.  These things seem to change on a weekly basis, though, so who knows what they’ll tell me tomorrow at my next ultrasound/appointment.

The most annoying part of this, aside from going to the clinic/hospital all the time, is being on bed rest.  This last week, Rowan was off school, and I had already pulled her from her daycare program as my office was closed for the week, so we got to spend a lot more time together.  It was nice to be able to have that week with mostly just us together – we won’t get that much time with just us two once the baby is here, obviously.   With her back in school again next week, though, I’ll be back to being all by myself during the day.  It’s very isolating and boring.  Thankfully, I can do work part-time from home (which not only helps with my boredom, but also helps to extend my sick/vacation time, so that I still have time to use after the baby is born), but it still gets really old just lying on the couch all the time.  I just keep telling myself that there is not that much time left, which is true.  I did break my bed rest last night to go to my friend Dan’s house for his birthday (though, I sat in a recliner the whole time, so that’s not really breaking any rules, I don’t think) and I also broke it today to go to Target.  The Target trip was probably not the best idea I’ve ever had, but I LOVE TARGET and really wanted to go.  So, I did.  And I spent way too much money because I seemed to be making up for lost trips.

In all, I feel good, except for the boredom and emotional toil of bed rest.  And, I am really happy that we’re over 36 weeks now and I can worry a little less about some of the things that could happen with having a baby too very early.

appointment today

Because this has now become the place where I only write about my medical stuff, it seems, I will update on my latest appointment, which was today.

I had to do another 24 collection on Sunday and turned that in on Monday, and also got my blood drawn for the standard lab tests that they’ve been running on me.  I didn’t hear back from the clinic on Monday and decided not to push my luck, as I wanted to live in bliss of my test results.  Plus, I knew I was coming in today for a biophysical profile (BPP) and to have my midwife appointment.

So, results this week:
blood work continues to be perfectly normal
blood pressure was 130/70, so a little higher than last week, but still really normal
protein, which was 1.192 grams (I think that’s the measurement?  They said it was 1,192 milligrams, so that is 1.192 grams, RIGHT?  Help me people who know the metric system…!) was at .9.  I thought that that was very positive, but, of course, the midwife was still concerned because it is high.  Yes, but it is LESS high – that has to count for something, right!???

I happened to get the one midwife in the office who had never seen my chart or results, so she didn’t exactly know what the plan was and had to consult with one of the MDs there (UGH), and they want me now in for TWICE weekly BPPs instead of the once weekly.  I actually don’t even care that much at this point, as long as it means that they don’t/won’t try to induce or c-section me.  If I have to have continued lab work and checking on the baby, then so be it, I guess.  It’s dumb, but I am home now and what else am I going to do with my time?

(Don’t answer that.  There are like a million different things I could do with my time.)

I have to go in on Friday (Merry Christmas to me?) morning for my next BPP and to get my blood pressure checked.  Assuming that both go fine and that I still feel fine, I will be allowed to go to my aunt and uncle’s house to spend Christmas Eve with my family (it’s about 45 minutes away, which is the only reason why it’s kind of a concern to the midwives, even though I think that is kind of dumb, too, but that is me wanting to spend time with my family instead of sitting on my couch by myself).  I then have to go in on Monday morning, for the same thing.  Like I said, twice a week.  Fun times.

The best part of today was the fact that at the ultrasound, the baby’s heartbeat was regular!  There were no extra beats like there had been in the previous two ultrasounds, so it appears that it’s little electrical system is maturing and that the heart is going to be fine.  Thank goodness.  That was a bit of a worry, though less so, after the cardiologist appointment.

So, in all, I am a little more optimistic about this whole thing, though I still think that there is nothing wrong with me.  I am a hypochondriac, so would be the first person to say that SOMETHING IS WRONG.  But, really, I just don’t feel as though there is.  I’ll keep resting, though, and doing what the midwives say.  I have not gone to get a second opinion, and do wonder if I should or if I should just wait it out here.  I don’t know about that one.  We’ll see.

34 weeks.

Well.

I thought that things were going swimmingly here, despite being on bed rest all week.  I feel just fine.  My blood pressure has dropped to about 125/60 or 125/70, just depending.  My blood work came back normal, again.  I have done everything the midwives have asked (resting, even though I don’t think I have to, getting the steroid shot for the baby’s lungs, going in for NSTs and ultrasounds, etc.).  I have upped my protein and have even started drinking a protein shake to try to up it more.  I drink over a gallon of water a day.  I am doing whatever I can to try to stabilize myself.

I went in this morning, to drop off my third 24-hour urine collection and got the news this afternoon that the protein in my urine has doubled since last week.  So, fuck, basically.  I don’t know what this means.  In two weeks, it has gone from .390 to .562 to 1.192 (or something like that – the last number in each of those may be off).  Apparently, they like to see less than .3, and clearly, I am like quadruple that.

So, it is continued bed rest and monitoring.  I am not preeclamptic because now my blood pressure is too low (LOL on that one), but they don’t really know what this means.  Neither do I.  I asked about an infection, but apparently the numbers are too high for that (though I don’t think they have cultured my urine to make sure of that).  They may want me to see a specialist in internal medicine (?) to see if there is something going on with my kidneys independent of the pregnancy.  It could also be pregnancy related, but NOT preeclampsia.   They are baffled.  I am baffled.

All of this is terribly confusing and upsetting.  When I got the call this afternoon, I just started to cry.  I have been crying on and off for about the last 2 hours, which is super fun, let me tell you.  I don’t know what to do.  I am scared that they will want to take this baby out of me early.  I am scared that there IS something wrong with me (I don’t think there is, but maybe there is?).  I am just scared and worried and nervous, and again, I ask how this turned from a routine and normal pregnancy to…..this?

Rowan had some good advice for me (taking advice from an 8 year old is probably, um, a sign of good mental health, yeah?) – she was like, “if you worry about it, it will come true.  Just relax.  It will be okay.”  Smart little lady that I am raising, huh?

So, that is that.  :\

oh, baby

We had our appointment with the pediatric cardiologist today and that actually went just fine.  The cardiologist said that what is more important is whether or not the baby’s heart is formed correctly and that this baby has a “beautiful four-chambered heart”.  This typically resolves itself, and if it doesn’t, it’s still something that can be watched and monitored and the baby should be just fine.  So, good news with that!

The not so good news is with me.  My blood pressure continues to be consistent in the 130s/70s or 80s/ (it was 131/80 today), and my blood work has all come back completely normal or even better than normal.  However, my protein was higher than it was last week.  My midwives are a bit baffled, because my blood pressure isn’t that elevated and everything seems to be functioning just fine….yet, I have the protein in my urine.  So, because of this, they want me on bed rest for the rest of the pregnancy.  Fuck.  That is 49 more days, if I make it that far.

Thankfully, it is a modified bed rest, and is more like “take it easy and don’t go to work or do very much”.  They’re not even sure that this will help or that I have preeclampsia, but they are treating it as such right now.

I am really annoyed and frustrated and sad and mad and oh so many emotions.  I’m happy that the baby is going to most likely be fine (with the heartbeat), but I am not happy with the idea of going out of work early and of having this baby early and, as I’ve said before, I am afraid of dying.  I started going down hypochondria lane a little bit with the “what if this ISN’T due to preeclampsia, and what if the protein is due to something ELSE like myeloma or leukemia or heart failure or insert other disease there”, but I doubt that that is the case.  Again, my blood work for everything else came back really great.  So, I doubt I have anything very bad.  I am afraid, though, of having a c-section and dying afterward or other such things.  These are, probably, ridiculous fears.  But, there you go.  I am ridiculous about such things.  Have been for a while, now.

I’m still kind of in a state of disbelief because everything has happened and changed so quickly.  This is far better, I guess, than not knowing anything and having a bunch of bad things happen (as happened to my sister’s friend, who is fine now, but had serious complications and didn’t even have a clue that she had anything wrong).  My midwives want to just keep monitoring me and I will continue to go in weekly.  I do have to go in for steroid shots, too, “in case” this baby needs to be delivered early.

So, that’s the state of that.

baby update

I had my follow-up appointment for the blood pressure/high protein content in urine/etc. today.  Parts of it went as expected (I knew they’d want me to repeat all the tests and continue to tell me that I may develop preeclampsia), but parts of it went far worse than expected.  The ultrasound was….interesting.  They look for specific things for the biophysical profile, and the baby did not ever do one of the things they were looking for – the diaphragm moving for “practice breathing”.  This is most likely because the baby was asleep.  They also noticed that the baby has an irregular heartbeat.  Just now, at almost 33 weeks, this has been discovered.  So, after that, I was a bit upset, but went and waited in the lobby to see the midwife for my actual appointment.

My blood pressure was better than it was last week, so that was good.  But, because of the previous high reading, they wanted me to repeat all of the tests as I knew that they would.  Then, we talked about the fact that the baby didn’t do it’s diaphragm movement, so I had to go to Labor/Delivery to do an NST to see if the baby’s heartrate would increase when it moved and talk to the midwife on call there to figure out what to do next.  I was on the monitor for over two and a half hours.  My blood pressure was around 131/71 the whole time, except at the end, when the nurse took it and kind of fiddled with the cuff so that it completely inflated once without taking my pressure and then immediately reinflated and then gave me a reading of like 149/80 or something.  I think that was the cuffs fault and not an indicator of there actually being a high blood pressure issue.

I got sent home and told to rest until Friday, when I bring in my urine again and see a midwife.  I understand the problems with preeclampsia and I get the implications of having it, but I honestly don’t think that I have it.  NOW, I am more worried about the baby, of course.  I have an appointment on Monday with a pediatric cardiologist at some specialty clinic to do a fetal echocardiogram.  FUN.  Not.  Apparently, 95% of the time, these irregular heartbeat issues resolve themselves once the baby is born (internal rhythm versus external rhythm, I guess), but if it doesn’t, we need to know what to do.

Somehow, this pregnancy went from being super easy to all of a sudden being incredibly taxing.  The emotional toll this has taken is not good.  All I want to do is cry right now, but I’m trying to keep it together.

Oh, we did get an ultrasound shot, but couldn’t get a good look at the face, as the baby is all curled up with its feet and hands in front of its face.  Look at its nose!  It’s kind of big (and cute).

appointment

I had my 32 week appointment today, and it did NOT go how I wanted or expected it to.  I had kind of rushed there.  I was in late to work because Rowan had a dentist appointment this morning, and had to park up on the 4th floor of my parking ramp.  I took the stairs up, because that is what I do, and got a little winded while doing that.  Then, I drove over to another parking ramp, parked, and walked the 4-5 blocks uphill to the office.  I didn’t get a chance to just settle in at all before my name was called to go back.  Obviously, in many ways, this is good – they’re an efficient practice! – but, when your heart rate is up and you are trying to settle it down and you have had two appointments in a row with borderline high blood pressure, this is not so good.  The nurse took my blood pressure and it was, of course, high, at 151/73.  I told her that I hadn’t even had a chance to settle, and she did take it again in the office, and it was at 134/73.  I had the same midwife as last time, the one who was all alarmist about my blood pressure of 135/77.  She was a bit alarmist today, too, and now I have to have all the bloodwork/labwork (helloooooo, 24 hour urine collection!) to see if I have pre-eclampsia.

Needless to say, I am worried, perhaps unnecessarily so, and also annoyed.  I have to go back next week, no matter what the results of my labwork are, and I will have the calmer midwife, Marcia (why are all the calm women in my life named Marcia?), and maybe that will be better.  I don’t think that anything is wrong, but this is stressing me out and probably raising my blood pressure to have to deal with.  UGH.

I decided to take tomorrow off work, because I don’t want to have to deal with peeing in a jug at work (okay, and also, maybe I just wanted a day off?!???!!!!).  I will just kick it at home, maybe try some relaxation stuff that my aunt gave me and I haven’t had time to use yet, and pee in a jug all day long.  We were supposed to have friends come over tomorrow night, but I feel awkward about that (the peeing thing, again), though I think that Steve really wants them to come over.  We’ll see what ends up happening.

I feel all wonky right now.  My head feels funny (not headachey, just funny) and I feel off.  I am assuming it is the worry and anxiety.

Other than that, the baby sounds good and I am fine.  Well, I guess I’m not technically fine right now, but I feel mostly fine aside from feeling very scared.  I am scared of complications, scared of bedrest, scared of dying, and scared of what could be.  There is nothing to do but wait and see.