All kinds of things.

This morning, I checked my bank balance to see what kind of damage I had done to it.  I ordered pizza on Wednesday night, as my sister and one of our friends came over (her birthday was Thursday, so Bird and I treated her to dinner and cake), and had also spent $20 e-filing my friend Dan’s state taxes.  My checking account is about where I thought it should be – $75 over my rent – which was not great, but that is how I keep my checking account.  The more money I keep away from me, the better I am about not spending it.  Out of sight, out of mind, as it were, as if it is in my checking account, I WILL spend it.  However, my savings account was significantly higher than I thought it should be, and I looked and saw that my state tax return has already been processed and deposited.  Excellent!

Even without the state return inflating my numbers, this has been a really good month for savings.  Steve and I are working to cut out our frivolous expenses, and somehow, I have managed to save $1250 this month.  I will pay my car payment out of that, as I always do, but even that will still be a net of $800.  I don’t think Steve has saved that much, because when I get all thrifty, I rely on him to pay more for things.  This is an abnormal month, for sure, but it makes me realize that increasing our housing cost by $300 is maybe not so scary.  If I can put that much money away in a month by myself (and, honestly, I don’t even make that much money), we can surely make the extra payment together.  I should be getting my federal tax return on 2/1 (or, maybe 2/8), which will bring my savings up into a really comfortable place for a person who is about to lay down a significant chunk of money for a down payment on a house.

We got confirmation from our loan processor that we have been cleared for closing.  Final approval.  Done.  That was so easy!  It is funny how technology has made this process into something that is really quite easy.  We have never even met our mortgage guy; we’ll meet him at closing.  We just communicate by email, phone, and fax.  It’s great.  I had heard that this process was difficult, but we have had really great people working with us and they have made it so smooth.  The first mortgage lady?  Not so much.  I want to email her now to tell her that we have the money that she told us we needed before rejecting us outright, and then say, “Oh, but we won’t have it for long because we will be closing on our house on 2/16 NO THANKS TO YOU.”  But, that would be bitchy.  Right?  It still just sticks in my craw, though.  I felt so judged and so….incapable.  When, I know that we are actually quite responsible (for the most part) and capable of doing this.

It is all pretty exciting, but a little daunting.  I’m not necessarily nervous about the “homeowner” piece or the “wow, I’m actually committing to a 30 year loan with someone!” (once upon a time, that would have freaked me the fuck out), but I am nervous about the logistics.  I hate moving.  And we really have so much stuff.  Operation: Purge is this Sunday, so hopefully we can get rid of a lot of things.  We’re selling some books and movies.  We will go through our clothes and shoes.  Oh, we have so many clothes and shoes that aren’t even used.  They would be far better off at the Salvation Army than at our house.

Also, we have Operation: Party on Saturday!  Katja.  Oh, that sweet little baby of mine.  She will be one.  I can hardly believe it.  Last year at this time, I was working from home on bed rest, waiting and hoping that I wouldn’t have to be induced.  I kind of miss bed rest NOW, A YEAR LATER, because I could do fun things like make garlic toast and steak for lunch and just hang out and work when I wanted to or nap if I got tired.  Oh, the good ol’ days.  But, anyhow, it is incredibly hard to fathom that little Katja has been in our lives for 363 days.  She has grown and changed so much.  She has changed all of us, too.  I think she cemented our little family unit for us.  Rowan feels connected, now, to Steve in a way that she didn’t before.  We are a bumbling little quartet, but we are OUR quartet.  Our family.  It is pretty wonderful.  I did not necessarily expect that when we decided to have a baby, which is maybe kind of dumb, but here we are.  A family.  Something that I didn’t even know that I wanted.  I had my relationship with Rowan and my relationship with Rowan, and now we’re all intertwined.

I am nervous about having SO many people at our house on Saturday.  It is going to be bananas.  But, we’ll make do.  It was one thing when we just had family and friends, but then I remembered that I forgot to invite my aunt and cousins, and then some people were going to be in town this weekend and they got invited, too, and before I knew it, it had spiraled out of control.  It is just going to be low-key, though, for so many people.  No decorations or anything.  Just food and cake and ice cream and soda and coffee.  Conversation (if you can hear over my loud family).  It should be okay, except for the sheer number of people and the total lack of space.  Oh well.

Moving back, again, to this whole YEAR OLD thing, I have to say that I am incredibly proud that I have breastfed Katja for this long.  Pumping at work has not been as difficult as I, in my early days of crazy, thought it would be.  It’s not super fun all the time, but it is not difficult and I respond very well to the pump.  I am still pumping almost the same amount that I was when I first went back to work in April.  A little less, but not much.  I plan on continuing to do this for a while, since I clearly have a lot of milk and it would be hard to just suddenly cut back.  If Katja doesn’t drink it, I can donate milk to some moms.  I have already donated probably 600 ounces total to 4 different moms, and I will definitely do that again if I need to.  The breastfeeding part of our relationship is good.  I cannot imagine weaning her at one year.  When we started, I didn’t know if I would make it six weeks, let alone six months (my original short-term goal), and now we are at one year and it just seems silly to stop.  She does bite me from time to time, which hurts like a mother, and she still won’t sleep in her crib and must be next to me all night (though, she does not nurse all night, which is pretty nice)…but, otherwise, it is a really good thing for both of us.

Miscellaneous

Have I mentioned how stinking cute Katja is lately?

Because she is.  Adorable!

She is not yet walking, but she stands so proud on her own.  Good girl.  I hope she delays walking until we move into our new house (26 days and counting for the move; 24 days until we close), as there is more room for her to go, plus we’ll have carpet in our basement there and she and Rowan can roam and play.

And wrestle, apparently.

We close on the house in 24 days.  That’s it!  And we are going to move in 26 days.  That seems so far away, but it is really not.  It will be here before we know it.  We need to get boxes and get packing.  I’ve been holding off doing that until after we have Katja’s FIRST BIRTHDAY PARTY this weekend, but since that will be here, THIS WEEKEND and all, I can’t hold off much longer.  We need to get organized; we have so much stuff!

I am also feeling better about the finances of paying our down payment and all.  We have the money, but it would be a big blow to our savings.  I did our taxes on Saturday and we’re getting a sizable refund, so now I am not so worried anymore.  Yay, child tax credit??

Books and work.

Last night, Rowan and I finished The Book Thief.  I had read this before, in 2008 (what a wonderful year for books THAT was!), and when I finished it, I was bawling.  Rowan, who was just newly six, came up to me and tried to hug me and I told her she didn’t need to, that it was a good feeling to cry like that.

Reading it again, with her, was no different.  Except that this time, we both cried.  She buried her head in my shoulder as we read about the bombing of Himmel street (SPOILER ALERT, I GUESS).  It is hard not to cry with such a strangely magical book.  How wonderful it is that there are books out there that make you love characters and then break your heart when they die!  The power of words is truly amazing.

We started this book at the end of November, and she did not like it right away.  It’s a strange book to read with a child.  A story of death and World War II.  It is vastly different than our usual books of adventurous kids going on journeys and whatnot (we will be going back to this familiar territory with our next book, Wildwood).  I told her to give it 50 pages and see what she thought, and by that point, when she met little Rudy Steiner, she was in love.  I think that Rudy reminded her of her little boyfriend, and that was part of it, but she also fell in love with the world that Markus Zusak created for us.  The world of Liesel Meminger, as told to us by Death.  She has now experienced that feeling of a good cry and can no longer make fun of me for being a cryface.

I am now reading another book about death, or rather a lack thereof, and it is really quite good.  I have a goal of buying either no books or only a handful of books in 2012, so have been checking things out from the library.  The library has an iPhone app that one can use to search titles and put things on hold — I don’t actually even need to go there until it is time to pick up my books!  It is like shopping, except without paying any money.  Amazing.  Yes, I realize that most people have utilized the wonderful service of the library for a long time, but please let me bask in my renewed love of the library system.  Looking things up online (on my computer or my phone) is not quite as fun as browsing inside a physical library, but, the convenience is unbeatable.  Anyhow, the book that I checked out is called The Post-Mortal by Drew Magary and it is about a world where scientists come up with a cure for aging, basically making people unable to die from old age (they can still die from other things, but will not age).  I am zipping along in it, and am about 2/3 of the way through in just two days of readings.  I can always tell how much I like something by how late I stay up reading it.  This is a late night book.

I was up late last night reading, and then awoke in the middle of the night to a coughing Katja.  Poor thing has a little cold right now.  She was cranky as all get-out on Sunday, with a fever to boot!, but had been a little better yesterday, except for the cough.  When I fell back asleep last night, I really fell back asleep and did not wake up on time this morning, which was kind of bad, because I had to get in and get stuff done before heading off to a meeting with our new vice president about the new organizational structures that will be implemented in our office.  It has me thinking that I am ready for more of a challenge at work.  I need to get a resume together, except that even though I work in employment, I am very bad at writing these things myself.  Selling myself in general is not a strong point of mine.  Ugh.  So, now, that is on my mind.  I am visualizing success and a significant pay raise.  The money would be nice, but the challenge and change would be better.  I would do this for a less than significant pay raise, to be honest, but I’m aiming high.  You know, aim for the moon and all of that.

Oh!  And, my morning was all out of whack so much that I forgot my pump parts at home and when I went to pump milk on my morning break, realized that that was not going to happen without some vital pieces.  I had to go home for an early lunch, pump and bring my stuff back for the afternoon.  It is so hard to go home in the middle of the day; I did not want to leave.  The only bonus was, I guess, that I got a really great parking spot in the ramp upon my return.

Dreams and other things

I used to have a dream of being a writer.  Most nerdy, bookish kids probably have such a dream, if I had to guess.  Even now, though, I think, “I could totally write a book!” and then I’ll start thinking about book plots and so on and realize that I actually do not have that big of a vocabulary and I like to write run-on sentences and I overuse commas and I recognize that maybe that would not be such a good idea for me.  Plus, despite my creativity in some arenas in life, the only time that I ever even attempted to write a novel, it as a complete Tom Robbins rip-off.  Except terrible.  A terrible Tom Robbins rip-off.  So sad.

So, I am aware that this writer dream is just a dream.

But, then, sometimes, I’ll be lying awake in the middle of the night, maybe feeding a baby or what-have-you, and I will think AGAIN that this writing thing could happen and I could be a legitimate author by writing about MY LIFE! instead of, you know, FICTION!  And I start to craft sentences in my head...I could feel my heartbeat in my teeth, and it made me painfully aware of my mortality and then, I will repeat said sentence in my head and realize that it is crap and, again, I will hang up the author dream.  Plus, you know, I do kind of write about my life (to some degree) here, and this is not exactly what one would call a POPULAR place on the internet, since really only a handful of people even know about it, and I make zero dollars here, so why would I think that being a MEMOIR AUTHOR would even be a feasible goal for me to have?  Also, who is interested in tall, middle children from large families who grew up in rural communities and have anxiety disorders and children?  That is just one way to MARKET myself.  Very good.  I know. Why do I not have dooce like traffic?  I DON’T KNOW, INTERNET.  I DON’T KNOW.

This whole….HOUSE thing… does have me a little worried about money.  We will be raising our monthly payment, though not to a level that is crazy; just to a level that is a little teeny bit uncomfortable.  Today, I was thinking, “well, I will make money writing somehow!” and then I delved into a world of “how to make money on blogging” and realized that, well, that is just not going to happen because you need to have traffic and network and also probably have talent in order to do these things.  But, again, a nice little dream.  Money paid for doing something that is fun?  (Not that my job is not fun, but, you know, work is work.)  That would be nice.  Though, I think that that sort of thing (being a “power blogger”) requires organization and planning that I don’t really want to do for this here space.

Parts of me think that I really should just give up on the dreams and focus on the realities, but, then, I dreamed about a house and a baby and a family and those things are coming true (still expecting something to go wrong on the house thing, so talk to me about that one after closing) or have come true.  So, who knows?

Books of 2011

Because I am 99% certain that I will not finish the book that I am currently reading by tomorrow night at midnight, I think it is safe to post my books completed in 2011 list.

	Title	Author	Date Completed	No. of Pages
1	Dead Until Dark	Harris, Charlaine	01.01.11	292
2	Lick Your Neighbor	Genoa, Chris	01.07.11	304
3	A Gate At the Stairs	Moore, Lorrie	01.14.11	322
4	An Object of Beauty	Martin, Steve	01.19.11	295
5	HELP! A Bear Is Eating Me	Hansen, Mykle	01.20.11	132
6	Bad Mother	Waldman, Ayelet	01.25.11	224
7	When I Stop Talking, You’ll Know I’m Dead: Useful Stories from a Persuasive Man	Weintraub, Jerry	01.27.11	304
8	Betrayal	Alvtegen, Karin	02.13.11	304
9	Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix*	Rowling, J.K.	02.18.11	870
10	Life, Liberty, and the Pursuit of Sausages	Holt, Tom	02.18.11	378
11	Mr. Funny Pants	Showalter, Michael	03.05.11	288
12	Stalking Susan	Kramer, Julie	03.16.11	240
13	Half Baked	Stevenson, Alexa	03.20.11	304
14	Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince*	Rowling, J.K.	03.22.11	652
15	Missing	Alvtegen, Karin	03.25.11	289
16	Missing Mark	Kramer, Julie	03.30.11	288
17	Two Kisses for Maddy	Logelin, Matt	04.05.11	256
18	One of Our Thursdays is Missing	Fforde, Jasper	04.15.11	362
19	I Drink For a Reason	Cross, David	04.22.11	236
20	The Imperfectionists	Rachman, Tom	04.30.11	269
21	Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows*	Rowling, J.K.	05.06.11	759
22	Heart of the Matter	Giffin, Emily	05.10.11	352
23	Shame	Alvtegen, Karin	05.14.11	343
24	The Interview	Leigh, James	05.21.11	228
25	Shadow	Alvtegen, Karin	06.05.11	320
26	Who Will Run the Frog Hospital?	Moore, Lorrie	06.09.11	160
27	Hater	Moody, Douglas	06.09.11	244
28	Strange Bedpersons	Crusie, Jennifer	06.11.11	256
29	The Unfortunate Miss Fortunes	Crusie, Jennifer	06.23.11	384
30	The Mysterious Benedict Society	Stewart, Trenton Lee	06.24.11	485
31	Certain Girls	Weiner, Jennifer	06.27.11	386
32	Best Friends Forever	Weiner, Jennifer	07.02.11	368
33	What the Lady Wants	Crusie, Jennifer	07.04.11	256
34	Maybe Next Time	Crusie, Jennifer	07.08.11	342
35	The No Cry Sleep Solution	Pantley, Elizabeth	07.10.11	208
36	Travels in the Scriptorium	Auster, Paul	07.10.11	160
37	Gunn’s Golden Rules	Gunn, Tim	07.17.11	255
38	Baby Led Weaning	Rapley, Gill	07.18.11	226
39	Room	Donoghue, Emma	07.21.11	321
40	Great House	Krause, Nicole	08.02.11	291
41	Everything Matters!	Currie Jr., Ron	08.12.11	302
42	The Mysterious Benedict Society and the Perilous Journey	Stewart, Trenton Lee	08.21.11	440
43	A Game of Thrones	Martin, George R. R.	09.05.11	807
44	The Redbreast	Nesbo, Jo	09.13.11	368
45	Nemesis	Nesbo, Jo	09.20.11	478
46	The Devil’s Star	Nesbo, Jo	09.30.11	368
47	The Hunger Games	Collins, Suzanne	10.04.11	374
48	Catching Fire	Collins, Suzanne	10.08.11	391
49	The Mysterious Benedict Society and the Prisoner’s Dilemma	Stewart, Trenton Lee	10.08.11	391
50	Mockingjay	Collins, Suzanne	10.10.11	391
51	The Redeemer	Nesbo, Jo	10.21.11	561
52	Red Hook Road	Waldman, Ayelet	10.30.11	373
53	The Search for WondLa	DiTerlizzi, Tony	11.13.11	468
54	Little, Big	Crowley, John	11.25.11	538
55	The Invention of Hugo Cabret	Selznick, Brian	11.27.11	533
56	The Snowman	Nesbo, Jo	12.04.11	400
57	The Leopard	Nesbo, Jo	12.17.11	624
			TOTAL:	20760

57 books.  Not too shabby!

Well.

We done bought a house!

We are under a purchase agreement and everything is signed and ready to go.  Crazy.

A lot has happened since I last updated.  Obviously.  We did the following:
12/13: talked to our realtor
12/17: went out and looked at houses (cut short by a sick Rowan who was headachey and nauseous due to what turned out to be strep throat!)
12/18: switched mortgage people
12/21: got turned down by one mortgage person AND pre-approved by the new one — within an hour of each other (the first person was bad at her job and did not seem to understand the idea of a seller paying closing costs and the new guy is AMAZING and not only understands the market but has all kinds of ideas about how we can pay off the mortgage more quickly, which is great)
12/22: looked at houses again and made an offer that night
12/23: countered and figured everything out
12/26: had an inspection and signed the final counter-offer

Today, we got the finalized purchase agreement contract and everything is moving forward.  We will close on 2/16.

We have this tendency to…..move rather quickly once we make up our minds to do something.  Both Steve and I are that way.  Though, I must say that this moved more quickly than I thought it would.  Not that that is bad, just that we now have a lot to do in the coming days/weeks.

The house is in the neighborhood that we want and it probably doubles our usable square footage.  It’s a nice 4 bedroom rambler in excellent condition.  Hardwood floors upstairs, finished basement with brand new carpet in the basement.  Tons of storage.  A nice kitchen.  A fenced in yard.  A brand new roof.  We’re incredibly excited.

So, this process has kind of overtaken everything else these last few weeks.  It has been a roller coaster, especially considering the nightmare of the first (bad) mortgage person.  She made me feel like we were completely incapable of doing this even though, as Steve said, we have the three C’s – credit, capability (to pay), and character – that banks look for.  She really irritated me and I am glad we’ve moved ahead with this other guy.  So long, lady!

Christmas was really nice, as well, though again, it was kind of overshadowed by the house process.  Everything is overshadowed by that.

Here are some pictures, since I can’t think of anything else to say (plus, I need to stop my lunch hour and get back to work):

Living room of new house

Kitchen/into dining room. I do not like the linoleum floor, but that is something that can easily be replaced. Steve knows how to lay tile!

Bathroom.

Rowan’s room. The room that stood out to me on the online listing that made me say, “OH, I WANT THAT HOUSE!”

And then we went ahead and GOT THAT HOUSE.

Downstairs family room. The basement also has a bedroom (that will be used as a playroom), a finished office, a second bathroom, and a huge room that looks like it can be used as a closet for all our off-season clothes.

I love the expressions on everyone’s faces here. So funny.

Dad and the grandkids!

Family!

Little girl.

on houses

First, things are moving incredibly quickly on our house hunt.  Steve and I are the kind of people who, well, once we decide to do something, we just DO it.  We were having some issues with the mortgage person who we initially talked to, and thought that maybe we couldn’t  move ahead.  There was some drama last week and some me getting mad at Steve because I was going on the information that was given to me (by someone who, it seems, didn’t quite know what they were doing).  Anyhow, that has all resolved.  We looked at houses on Saturday and are looking again tomorrow night.  We talked to a NEW mortgage guy and got pre-approved for what we want to spend and if everything looks good to us tomorrow, we will MAYBE be making an offer.

Crazy.

Second.  Have you ever noticed that some bloggers have REALLY nice houses?  I read a lot of blogs, because, well, I am like a little voyeur and feel like if people put their lives out there then it is okay for me to read it.  I also am the kind of person who likes to look in windows when I am riding in a car at night and people have their lights on and blinds open.  What?  That is normal, right? Anyhow, bloggers like Dooce.  Her house is amazing!  Blogging must be really really lucrative for those people.  Good for them.  But, it makes me a little teeny bit jealous.  We’ll just be happy to get a little lot of something to call home in Minneapolis.

 

 

Well.

Things are pretty much back to normal on the sick baby front.  No more lumpy neck.  No more waking up in the night, howling.  So, that is good.  Things are also pretty much back to “normal” (whatever that means) in every other front.  We are so boring.

Boring is probably okay.  Whenever I wish things were more interesting, it seems like BAD THINGS HAPPEN.  So, I will take the status quo.

We met a new little friend for Katja this weekend!  Our friends Coral and Abby had their daughter on 11/29 and we got to meet her on Saturday.  She is just perfect and adorable.  It was fun to get to hold a new baby again, though I had forgotten how new babies scare me because they aren’t as “sturdy” as older babies.  This is why I usually don’t like to hold newborns, except my own.

Most of the weekend was kind of a blur.  Rowan and I picked out ornaments on Saturday, after the baby visit, and then she broke one right when we got home.  I was SO tired and crabby and just lost it on her (yelling wise).  Poor Rowan.  We break at least one ornament every year, so I don’t know why I got all bent out of shape.  I did apologize to her, because while I was mad because she shouldn’t have been fiddling with them and we JUST BOUGHT THEM, it was not okay of me to lose my shit like that.  I’m the parent.  PLUS, she comes by this honestly.  My sister’s nickname for me is “M.D. – Master of Disaster”, for my clumsiness and ability to spill/break things/what-have-you.

We did save Saturday (post-yelling) by eating a nice family dinner (roasted pork loin – YUM) and playing Yahtzee together.

Yesterday, I made it to the gym for the first time since before Thanksgiving.  That was…..pretty awful.  I am out of shape.  UGH.  New year’s resolution:  GET BACK INTO THE GYM HABIT.  I wanted to take a walk today during my lunch hour, but that won’t happen now because one of my co-workers went home sick, so I have to provide coverage and then eat a hurried lunch.  Oh well.

Steve and I do want to start getting back to the gym during the week, but it is HARD.  Can’t tonight, because I’m tired.  Can’t tomorrow, because we’re meeting with A REALTOR and I need to make cupcakes for a work thing on Thursday.  Can’t Wednesday, because I will get home from work late (Rowan has after school program, which runs late, which makes me get home late, too) and will be rushing to get things done, PLUS I need to frost the cupcakes.  Can’t Thursday because of the after school program.  Can’t Friday, because I am always too tired on Fridays to do anything.

That sounds like a bunch of excuses, and it IS a bunch of excuses.  But, they’re kind of valid.  I will go both Saturday and Sunday, though, and will hopefully get in another time during the week next week.  I have Friday, the 23rd off, and maybe I will go in that morning.  Maybe?

It is very exciting to be meeting with our realtor on Tuesday.  I have known this woman since I was 16 or something like that.  She used to date my brother’s best friend and she is very good at her job.  There are already houses that I really want, LIKE NOW.  But, I need to keep my expectations in check.  I am very used to just getting my way and having things work out the way that I want them to….and, that may not happen in this process.  I also need to contact the loan person to let her know that we have the money that we need for a down payment, so that we can get our official pre-approval letter.  CRAZY.  And scary.  Yet, people do this all the time, so hard can it really be?  It is maybe more scary to think of the permanence of it all, as when I buy a house, I intend for that to be IT. None of this starter home nonsense.  I just want a home.

I have had too much caffeine today and my mind and fingers are all over the map.

Katja update, and some other things.

I realize that I have not updated since my dramatic posts last week.  My apologies.  I took Katja in to her clinic on Friday for a follow-up and everything looked just fantastic.  Her little swollen lymph node is less swollen, and she seems to be mostly back to her normal, adorable self.

I am so relieved, of course, and so happy that she is doing well.

We went to my aunt’s house on Saturday for our annual gingerbread extravaganza.  Our 14th annual event!  Hard to believe that we have been doing this since 1998, when I was a freshman in college and my cousin Will was a mere 3 months old.  Rowan has been going to these since 2002, and Katja joined this year.  Crazy!  It was really fun, though I didn’t really try as hard as I have in the past.  Having to wrangle a baby will prevent one from being able to decorate to one’s full ability…or, at least that is my excuse.

Yesterday, my aunt texted me (and, I am assuming, all of my family) to let us know that my uncle’s friend was in the ICU. Apparently, he felt crappy on Friday and went in to the doctor, still felt bad on Saturday and went in to Urgent Care, was admitted to the hospital that day and his organs started shutting down!  What the heck!?  He was on life support and later she texted to say that he was being taken off life support after his sister arrived from Las Vegas….  I am not sure if that meant that he was taken off because he was better or taken off because there was nothing more they could do.  How do things like that even happen?  I cannot wrap my brain around that – you’re fine one day and dead the next.

And this is why I worry, you see?  My mortality scares me.

But, but, other than that, things are pretty good.  I only had one minor meltdown yesterday, and that was in relation to money and me stressing about this whole buying a house concept because I think we need x amount of dollars and Steve telling me that I don’t need to worry that much because hopefully we can get closing costs paid for and then we’ll only need y amount.  Which is true.  But, I just want lots of money and we don’t have that.  Does anyone?

Oh, and I guess that I also got a little frustrated when Katja decided to wake up at 9 and play until midnight.  Thankfully, Steve took the night shift and mama got to sleep.

More Worrying.

I am probably a little bit crazy.  I mean, I think that most people are a little bit, so I don’t think it is a bad thing.  It’s this worry.  I can’t get rid of it, even though I am trying to.

I still have not heard from the clinic, so I am assuming that that means that the numbers are in the realm of what they expected to see for an infection that has gone into the lymph nodes.  But, there is still this little nagging part of me that thinks that they have not called me because they know we’re going in on Friday and they want to wait to tell me in person the words that I don’t want to hear:  Your daughter has cancer.  Or, some variation on that sort of thing.

Last night, Katja seemed pretty okay….until about 9:00, when she woke up and started to cough.  She started to cough so hard that she threw up multiple times on me.  SIGH.  She has done this before, and I didn’t think much of it at that time, because I thought that it was within the realm of “normal”.  Like, if you have a big coughing fit after you just drank some milk, maybe the muscles that cause you to cough would also cause you to throw up?  I know that that sort of thing can go hand in hand with reflux and whatnot (not that she has that), so I had never thought that it was an “issue”.  But, what if it is?  WHAT IF I HAVE MISSED SOMETHING and by missing that, I have caused her health to take a steep decline?

My head is a dangerous place.  It goes from healthy to dying faster than you can snap your fingers.

The throwing up caused me to cry a lot last night, but then she nursed back to sleep and was fine.  She nursed in the night and was fine.  She woke up this morning and was smiling and seemed herself, until she coughed a little more and threw up just a teeny amount.  She doesn’t sound congested and I know her lungs were clear when they listened to them on Monday, so this cough and the throwing up?  What could it mean?  WORRY!  I’m crazy.

This is also crazy:  I just looked through as many pictures as I could find of Katja’s neck and I was trying to see if I could see a lump there prior to recently.  I am just so afraid that I have missed this.  It doesn’t look like this lump was there before, but it is so hard to say.  She had her well child check up on 10/28 and got a clean bill of health then, but now I am double clutching — did the doctor check her neck, then?

(I just talked to a co-worker, who stopped to see how I was doing, and I started crying about Katja, and she validated me that it is perfectly normal to worry and not crazy at all?  Is that so?)

UGH.

This is turning into worry blogging again.  I hate that!

I will now leave you with an attempt that we made to take a Christmas picture.  I did not succeed.  I am going to have to try again with those two. Maybe we will do that tonight.

UPDATE:  Katja’s doctor just called, and, of course, when she said, “This is Dr. L”, I thought she was calling with BAD NEWS.

But, she wasn’t!  She was calling to reassure me to let me know that this is really really normal and that while they can’t say anything with certainty, she is pretty sure that it is just an infection and that they see this all the time.

So, that was good to hear. I will try to breathe easier now.